When couples take their wedding vows, they make a commitment to each other that’s meant to last a lifetime. Two local experts, Andrea Boldt and Dr. Jennifer Rockett, weigh in on what couples can do before they say “I do!” to ensure their marriage lasts.
Preparing for Marriage
By Andrea Boldt, MA, LPC-S
In planning a wedding, the future Mr.~ and Mrs.~ (and not a few mothers and fathers) spend a lot of energy, time, and money designing the ceremony and reception, picking out clothing, flowers and food, photos, cake and decorations, inviting friends, family, and clergy to share the celebration that marks the beginning of the couple’s life together. And fun it is. But only some couples prepare in relational ways, ways that may help them to maintain and nurture that bond that they spent so much time planning with so many dreams and anticipation.
During the wedding the officiant likely makes the traditional statement that “marriage is not to be entered into lightly.” Marriage is a very serious thing, whether we realize that at the altar or not. Marriage is a promise, a covenant, and much good can come from maintaining that bond of love.
We humans were made for community and meaningful connection with others, and marriage is a unique relationship that continues to be popular. The size of the wedding-related industry gives evidence of that. There will be 2.6 million weddings in the US in 2022, at an average cost of $27,100, and an industry that projects $57.9 billion in revenue for 2022. W.O.W.
So how can a couple make marriage last? The design of marriage is such that it is meant to grow us, if we let it. Learning to communicate our deeper feelings, thoughts, and ideas with our spouse, as well as fears, worries, and hurts can actually bond a couple in authenticity, vulnerability, and real love. Creating a really good marriage is actually possible, but it is a process.
Many churches offer some kind of pre-marriage group programs like MERGE, and many couples counselors offer individual couple assessments like SYMBIS (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) and Prepare/Enrich. There are both clergy and local counselors who are certified in SYMBIS and Prepare/Enrich or may have other pre-marriage counseling offerings. The TWOgether in Texas site offers many local resources.
Pre-marriage programs help couples understand the actual design for marriage, and will cover topics that couples will inevitably encounter, thereby helping the couples to be better prepared for the marriage relationship so that:
The couple might learn that by persevering they can create a friendship and deep love for their spouse and model for the kids what it looks like to grow and work through the difficult times.
The family has a better chance of staying intact.
The couple may learn to give and forgive, experience maturity, growth, meaningful love, true intimacy, authenticity, passion, joy.
The couple may recognize that they need each other and grow old together.
Engagement and marriage can take on new meaning when the couple learns what real relational engagement is and takes the time to prepare for a new life together.
JOY PHOTOGRAPHY
About the Author
Andrea Boldt has an MA in counseling from Covenant Theological Seminary in St. Louis and is an LPC-Supervisor in private practice in College Station, Texas. For more information, visit aboldtcounselor.net.
Bells, Bliss, and the Four Horseman
By Dr. Jennifer Rockett
You’ve found your lifelong partner. When you look at each other, sparks ignite. The planning begins. You find the dress, the suit, the shoes, and the perfect location. As you head toward your wedding day, your merged story begins. Those who know, know: The wedding day is the calm before the storm. Marriage is hard, and some don’t survive. The Centers for Disease Control estimates that in the U.S., there were 1,676,911 marriages in 2021— that’s 5.1 marriages for every 1,000 people. Unfortunately, the divorce rate is now 2.3 per 1,000 people. We don’t get married to get divorced; however, many couples don’t realize the work involved in sustaining a long-term, committed relationship.
World-renowned psychologists and marriage experts John Gottman and wife Julie Gottman liken a healthy marriage to a “a sound relationship house” built on trust and commitment, which contributes to increased marital satisfaction, and healthy, satisfying marriages are ones in which partners share purpose. Like a plant, the marriage and partnership needs watering, pruning, and nurturing to grow and remain strong.
Moreover, strong marriages are built upon mutual goals and shared road maps; healthy and satisfying relationships actively work towards their goals collaboratively. Additionally, satisfying marriages share a steadfast commitment to their mission and legacy. Partners support each other’s vision, goals, and dreams for the marriage.
Gottmans’ research (1) (2) found that healthy marriages with longevity are those in which conflict is managed appropriately. The Gottmans and colleagues discuss the lethal impact of what they’ve coined “The Four Horseman.” The happiest couples are those who recognize the presence of a horseman, and then engage in behaviors called “antidotes.”
The first horseman is CRITICISM (e.g., blaming, name-calling). The antidote is the use of gentle, polite startups — when you approach your partner with something you find bothersome — that focus on how we feel about the situation and what we need regarding it.
The second horseman is DEFENSIVENESS. Its antidote requires taking responsibility. Defensiveness, according to psychologists, is one way to protect ourselves from a perceived threat, like criticism. What defensiveness shields us from is not threats but growth. When we become defensive, we tell our partners they are solely to blame. But the result of this stance is escalation. Instead, the Gottmans and colleagues suggest that each partner take responsibility, however small, to reduce the likelihood of tension and escalation. (This does not apply to domestic violence, however.)
The third horseman, CONTEMPT, heightens escalation. Contempt is when partners put each other down, scornfully speak about each other, call each other names, or mock and bully each other. Contempt is the best predictor of the relationship’s dissolution. The antidote is appreciation, born of valuing each other as partners and humans deserving of respect. Through respect, the focus shifts back to the values and goals of the marriage, where each person focuses on its shared meaning, objectives and mission, and moves toward those goals with trust and commitment.
The fourth and final horseman is STONEWALLING — removing oneself from the conflict in an immature, childish way rather than turning towards the partnership. Research has shown that when we stonewall, our bodies release more stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, which contribute to escalation and further withdrawal. Problem-solving relationship conflicts is hard to do when not present. Thus, the antidote is to self-sooth, then reconnect. There are many ways to self-soothe, such as squeezing ice cubes until they melt. Another is to engage in relaxed breathing. Whether planning your wedding or celebrating your 50th anniversary, research shows that relationships thrive when the ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5:1. That is, for every one disagreement, five or more positive interactions need to counterbalance the negative energy.
And humor! Couples who have fun together and laugh, even amid hardship and conflict, survive and thrive! So have fun and nurture your marriage; this will increase the likelihood that your foundation will stay strong through the storms.
(1) Gottman, J.M.,& Gottman, J.S., (1999). The marriage survival kit: A research-based marital therapy. In R. Berger and M.T. Hannah (Eds.) Preventive approaches in couples therapy, 304-330.
(2) Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N (2015). The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work. A practical guide from the Country’s Relationship Expert. New York, New York.
About the Author
Dr. Jennifer Rockett is a licensed psychologist and director of clinical and forensic services at the Center for Clinical and Forensic Psychology in College Station. For more information, visit drrockett.org.
